Hydration
by The-Inedible-Croissant
Summary: Roxy tries to cheer up Dirk on their first outing together after his recovery from an accident experienced at an aquarium.


Dirk stood next to Roxy as the two of them ate sandwiches that had been purchased from a shitty-ass café. It tasted as if the sandwich was not really a sandwich but instead some sort of fishy mass bent on ruining his taste buds. He threw the sandwich to the ground as he had already had enough of fish ruining all his shit.

Dirk was still bitter about their trip to the aquarium. Someone had slipped some LSD into the shark tank causing the Great White on display to go on a tripped-out rampage, during which it had bitten off his penis. He had been forced to get it replaced with a mechanical penis, and sure it could shoot lasers, but it just wasn't the same.

As they started to walk back to the shitty-ass motel where they were staying, they passed by an alleyway and Roxy stopped and pointed down it.

"Why don't we go in there and test out that shiny new harpoon of yours?" Roxy asked seductively, tempting him like an earthworm on a fish hook tempts a fish, only instead of being tempted into a den of lies, Dirk was being tempted into a den of sex.

Roxy moved her forelimbs forward through space and connected them to Dirk's shoulders to force him into motion so the matter that made up his body would be moved up against the clay brick and mortar wall that was currently behind him. She tore his pants off.

She stared at his meaty metal sword that was not necessarily all that meaty anymore. It entered into her warm, oval-shaped, toothy food-hole. She licked it sensually like a bear licking the inside of a log that had been covered in poisoned peanut butter by campers angry at it for always destroying their campsites.

The metal appendage smacked Roxy across the face like the campers did to the bear in their last act of revenge for its dastardly deeds. Dirk pulled her to him and thrusted angstfully into her cavernous love-tunnel.

He ground his wire deep into her ant hill, as if he were an anteater and his tongue was made of steel. As his robotic neurons transmitted the signal to his human brain he began making high-pitched ululations like those of a distressed yodeller stuck up a snowy mountain being attacked by an angry yak. His iron cylinder fired its laser beam into Roxy's underground passage. She cried out like a car alarm.

Dirk could see daylight coming out of the moist chasm and heard the chirping of alien birds. His laser had torn a hole into another dimension.

He leapt back as a blast of light erupted from her deep-sea trench. He gasped in horror as a giant shape came into view. It was a massive robot.

"THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!" it bellowed in a voice like a dial-up modem.

Dirk ran for his life. The robot raised its arm and blasted a laser at him from its fist-cannon. It missed, striking a nearby building, sending a rain of rubble over Dirk as if he was standing under a walnut tree filled with pissed-off squirrels and they were pelting him with freaky giant mutant walnuts.

He used the large amount of dust kicked up by the rubble as cover to hide inside the ruined building. The robot turned the wrong way, going off in the other direction, fucking up another building as it went by.

Dirk sighed in momentary relief. Then a small pair of metal legs popped out of his chromium corkscrew. It emitted a cloud of steam as it detached itself from Dirk's body and started to run away.

"Not again!" Dirk yelled like an angry gibbon in a dress who had received very poor customer service in a restaurant. He chased off after his runaway cast-iron penis.

Just then the giant robot rounded the corner, coming right from the direction where the penis was running to.

The robot's foot landed on the mechanical eggplant, causing it to lose its balance. It fell backwards right into a watermelon stand. Its head exploded as it crashed into the small wooden stand, sending the watermelons inside flying. They rained down upon the surrounding area, bursting apart upon impact with the road below. Red fruit innards soon covered the street.

Dirk lay there among the watermelons.

They were crushed.

Just like his dreams.

Dirk began screaming.


End file.
